Mr. Hat

Name: Mr. Hat. Wears this douche bag hat I can’t stand to hide the fact that he is balding young.

Age: 30

Date: October 2013

Sex: No

Introduction: I was at a bar with my friends, Darth Revan and Bacon,when  this guy hit on me and asked for my number. I was drunk as a skunk and gave it to him. Guy literally tried to Facebook friend Bacon before we even left the bar without asking. We were walking out and Bacon was checking his phone and said… that guy already tried to friend me on Facebook.

First Date: Turned out guy has had 3 DUIs and a breathalyzer in his car. Seriously? 3 DUIs and I meet you at a bar. This screams alcoholic. Run. Run. Run. I was married to an alcoholic previously; I refuse to suffer through a relationship like that again.

The Ending: I tried sending a message without sending a message. Guy would not take a hint. No one is legitimately that busy for a month. No one is. He kept going. he kept messaging me on Facebook trying to get a second date and it is pitiful. The desperation smells pungent. I received a grant from the University school system. Bacon and I head out to celebrate. The bar where Hat and I met is one I usually frequent. Bacon and I are playing several rounds of pool, and he was kicking my ass. I was drunk as all fuck and decide to start wiggling my ass and hiking up my skirt suggestively to make him lose his focus. Bar guy sat at the bar watching and I rubbed my ass all over Bacon’s crotch area. (Side note: Bacon and I are just friends and not fucking, however,we do joke around constantly). At last, Hat is gone.

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